Stable Exchange Stage of the Social Penetration Theory

In the above clip, one of the closing scenes of Zach Braff's lauded romantic indie flick "Garden State," the two main characters Andrew (Zach Braff) and Sam (Natalie Portman) finally approach the stable exchange stage of their relationship which has been built up over the course of the movie.

Throughout the movie Braff's character displays an inability to show emotion. He never cries, he is stoic in almost every social exchange he is involved in, and he fails to cry or even appear saddened by the death of his mother early on in the story. His jaded disposition isn't helped by the enormous dosages of lithium and other psychoactive drugs he consumes daily per the advice of his psychiatrist father.

In this scene, Andrew shows his first signs of vulnerability and complete openness to Sam when he sheds a tear. He also begins to talk about his history with his mother, a topic he avoids discussing at all until this point. Earlier in the movie, we learn from a slightly intoxicated Andrew that he pushed his mother when he was 9 years old, and through a series of freak occurrences, the fall left her confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life. Because of this, he has resented her for most of his life, so this if the first time he expressed any positive attitudes towards her by sharing a pleasant memory from his childhood with Sam, representing full self-disclosure.

The couple displays synchronized needs in this scene as well. The minute Andrew sheds a tear Sam grabs a cup to "save it," and through this playful display she shows to Andrew that she understands how important this moment is.

Their conversation is no longer about trivial things like bands or pets as they were in the Orientation Stage. They are spontaneously and freely discussing issues with serious emotional weight, like Andrew's relationship with his deceased mother and their inability to cope with the fact they are in love even though they will soon be separated when Andrew returns to Los Angeles. The depth of their self-disclosure is at its greatest point.

Sam is equally open, when she begins to speak about how "it hurts..." referring to the fact that she cannot deal with Andrew's departure. This is also her highest point of self-disclosure as through the entire movie she has shown herself to be independent and free-spirited, not the type to fall in love easily. She shows her vulnerability as much, if not more, than Andrew does.

The two also seem to have achieved dyadic uniqueness as Sam and Andrew remain humorous throughout this emotionally-charged exchange. Andrew remarks he would save the first tear he has shed since childhood in a "scrapbook, if he had a scrapbook," while Sam half-jokingly says "I don't think I'm going to be able to get all of those," referring to his tears, when Andrew finally breaks down.

Throughout "Garden State" Andrew and Sam remain lover's at arms length, slowly growing closer throughout the Orientation, Exploratory Affective Exchange and Affective Exchange stages. While this is not the immediate moment they confirm their romantic attraction towards each other, this scene illustrates their full self-disclosure, spontaneity and dyadic uniqueness the best, so it is a vaild representation of the Stable Exchange stage of Social Penetration Theory.

The Orientation Stage of the Social Penetration Theory

The movie 50 First Dates is an exemplary film for the Social Penetration Theory.  In this movie, Drew Barrymore’s character suffers from short-term memory loss from a previous car accident.  Adam Sandler meets Barrymore at a small breakfast diner, and tries to pursue her.  When he finds out about Barrymore’s condition, he attempts to get her attention every morning at the diner using many diverse tactics.  In this particular clip, we see Sandler using superficial communication to get Barrymore’s attention.  He pretends that he cannot read the menu in order to get help from Barrymore.  Barrymore does help him through his “reading problem” by sounding out the word.  Even though the conversation is superficial, Barrymore is still very supportive and she never judges Sandler.  The characters do not learn any facts about each other, but they do communicate on a public level. This level of interaction is clearly the orientation stage of the Theory.  The only dysfunction to this stage is the unorthodox behavior of Sandler.  Usually communication at the orientation stage follows the norms of society, but Sandler chooses an obnoxious strategy to gain attention.  Although this clip strays slightly from the true meaning of the orientation stage of the Social Penetration Theory, the overall message is still the same.  Barrymore and Sandler do not self-disclose with each other, and they act at the outer, or public, layer of the onion analogy.  In this clip, they have no breadth or depth to their conversation, which solidifies the fact that they are still in the orientation stage.  

Social Penetration Theory

The social penetration theory is displayed in many scenes of the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. In this film, Jim Carey is undergoing a procedure that erases his memories of his failed relationship with Kate Winslet. During the procedure, Carey’s character decides he does not want this to happen and desperately tries to hold on to these memories. This is a scene, where the social penetration theory is the most evident. It takes place inside Jim’s mind and Carey and Winslet’s characters are lying in bed together. Kate begins to tell Jim a story about when she was little and had a doll she thought was ugly. This is showing a great deal of intimacy, because she relates this doll to herself. She then asks Jim not to ever leave her. Jim responds by telling Kate that she is pretty. By telling this story, Kate feels close enough with Jim to express self-disclosure. Kate’s story shows great depth, because she is reaching back to her childhood. The couple is quite obviously in the stable exchange stage, because there is complete openness and spontaneity between the partners.
The next part of this clip shows Jim Carey and Kate Winslet’s characters lying on ice holding hands. Carey states, “I could die right now, Clem….I’m just happy. I’ve never felt that way before. I’m just exactly where I want to be.” This shows Carey’s reciprocity of Winslet’s feelings and also displays the stable exchange stage. By saying he could die shows that he has learned to love and feels that his life is complete. Each of these characters has let their guard down and have reached a very high level of intimacy. The scene ends with Carey reluctantly losing the memory. He wants to continue to feel that level of intimacy. Both characters are extremely vulnerable with one another and thus have clearly demonstrated the social penetration theory.

Relational Dialectics

A piece from "Friends" to illustrate Relational Dialectics Theory.



The relational dialectics theory refers to intimate conversation that takes place in close relationships. The closer two people become, the more problems, controversies or conflicts normally arise. In a relationship it therefore becomes important to find a ‘happy medium’ between one’s own desires and those desires of the other person.
Oftentimes, an additional problem is the different communication styles of men and women and the inability to relate to the partner’s way of thinking or expressing him- or herself. According to the theory, relationships do normally not follow a linear pattern, but rather consists of conflicts and therefore communication does oftentimes not follow a straight path. Conflicting values in relationships that the theory points out are privacy vs. transparency, novelty vs. predictability, and autonomy vs. connectedness.

An example that illustrates the relational dialectics theory pretty well is the American TV show ‘Friends’, throughout which the (mis-) communication between people, especially in the context of relationships between men and women plays an important role. The clip I have chosen for this post displays a conversation between Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) and Paul (Bruce Willis).
The clip starts with Paul coming home and telling Rachel that he has made a reservation at a restaurant. While Rachel seems satisfied with this, she however wants Paul to tell her something about his day. “It was fine” is all Paul has to say, without disclosing any more information to Rachel. In comparison to Paul, who seems to have a higher need for privacy, Rachel wants to know flat out what he is thinking and “what’s behind this strong silent exterior”. It becomes evident that Rachel and Paul’s needs are at odds with each other at this point, as Paul obviously does not want to make himself vulnerable by disclosing his feelings and thoughts. Rachel experiences that the conversation even though she just wants him to give her “something – anything!”, is not going anywhere. Paul finally agrees to tell her something about his youth, but the content of the story is at odds with what Rachel expected – however, Rachel does not openly tell Paul her thoughts, but rather remains silent and moves on, trying to convince him that they should now go out to dinner. However, now Paul has arrived at a point that he wants Rachel to listen to him.

While it is questionable why they did not have this conversation earlier during their relationship, because as Rachel says she “doesn’t know anything” about him, it is clear that Rachel has the desire for novelty at this point in order to avoid the apparent monotony of their relationship in which they do not know much about the other person. Paul responds to Rachel’s request by writing down his thoughts, a method that Rachel can not relate to. It becomes clear that they are communicating on two different levels. They both have a need for attachment to the other person, but also want to keep their need for independence.
The clip ends with both of them being close to tears, realizing that they are very attached to each other besides different ways of communication. While the content of the scene displays the theory of relational dialectics in a fairly exaggerated way that tends to be over the top, it however explicitly shows that the communication is not straight-forward and the relationship does not follow an obvious linear paths.